Everything written here is entirely melody's thoughts and are not used as a weapon to break other people's hearts with words. I just enjoy being able to express my thoughts and feelings. Please do not take any of the words written here as critisizm towards anyone. Thank you, and enjoy reading!

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If you havent realised, I havent written my annual BIRTHDAY POST. No, the song does not count. XD

Anyway, I'm in a good reflective mood now. So I'll blog this reflective post first. Before I lose the reflective mood and go all crazy and zi-high again. Cause I slept on the bus on the way home, and drank mango milk tea. That made me think and like, go into a reflective mood.

From my last birthday until now, I believe I've grown alot. Not in height or weight, I knew I definitely grew, okay. But more of emotionally and spiritually perhaps?

I believe I grown to think much much more, and even though not many people know about this more emotional and thinking side of me, but I guess I've been opening up much more to people. Sharing with them about whatever I can. And dishing out advice now and then. XD Guess that's cause my caring and giving side is becoming more apparent in my behaviour?

But that said, I think I've learnt to hole up my emotions too. And not cry as much. When I finally let my emotions out, though, it's like... BOOM. All the stress and tears and all just come out all of a sudden. Hence I should not hole up my emotions too much.

There was a period of time, around say, four months (?), when I kind of just hid all my emotions, because of something I choose not to bring up again, and didnt let it all out. Rather, you can say I didnt really know how to. It was just totally different from all past experiences that I have went through. And the good thing is, God carried me through it all, and brought me out stronger.

I've grown spiritually in that during Church Camp 2007 and the many services after that, I responded to God's call for me to grow closer to Him. I would liken it to a revival season, where I just came clean before God and promised to give Him my life. God's really helped me so so so much during my darkest periods.

And I've started to think alot more in a spiritual kind of way, using what I've learnt since young and all that I've read before in the Bible to pave the way for my life. Even though I know that whatever happens in my life is according to God's purpose, and He will not harm me, but it's just difficult to say, "I'll give up my whole life for You, Lord."

I guess that's where I'm sorry, Lord. Cause basically, I have my own dreams and aspirations too. And I really really want to chase them. But in any case, God, You still are Lord over my life.

I've turned much more optimistic in this past year too. Other than that emo period, I've just been like happy happy happy every single day. Being optimistic is one way I stay happy. XD That's also another reason why I zi-high every day. Cause I manage to always find a reason to go high.

But I learnt that optimism cannot be forced or imposed, rather, I believe it comes from God. Like during that emo period where I tried to force myself to optimistic and look on the bright side of things, I realised it didnt help, making it even worse. I realised I was kind of using that smile on my face as a mask. To hide all my wounds.

Optimism can be 治标不治本.

In conclusion, I highly believe that this year was a year where I grew much. No wonder Panshin told me last year, 'Fourteen is a year where you learn alot'. This has proved true.

In a way, I'm looking forward to being fifteen, cause I know I'll learn even more and gradually grow up. Nevertheless, there's that part of me that doesnt want to grow up. Cause I know how stressful it is to be a young adult. I know what challenges are ahead of me.

But that's perfectly fine, cause growing old is something you cant control, but growing up is.

明天一定会更好！

&enjoyment.